Life and after #life…

People know I have been a crime reporter. I think I have seen more dead bodies than anybody else in my family. It’s a fact, although there is nothing to be proud of. When I try to recall those days, there are a few gory pictures which cloud my head. The reason these pictures have remained in the back of my mind is because the death was brutal. I never cried for any deaths, as it was my job and no emotions involved.

Yesterday, I got to know a very close relative passed away. The picture of him lying helplessly like a bunch of bones is haunting me since then. He was a body builder who represented India internationally a number of times. The only picture about him I had till yesterday was looking at him in crisp ironed shirt which would remain so for the entire day. 

But when I saw him for the last time yesterday, I couldn’t find a single thing which could fit in the same frame of picture painted earlier.  He took care of his body like an asset which would never perish… but it did! A muscular body shrunk into a mass of bones and skin which was being addressed as just ‘body’.

Life… I still don’t know what’s the whole purpose of life

Why are kids born?

Why do we study?

Why do we work?

Why do we earn money?

What do we marry?

Why do we have kids?

Why do we grow old?

When we all have to #RIP one day! 

You taught me... then why hate me?

Had a tragic night when me and my husband were stuck on the highway with a flat tier. Somehow we found our way out and reached home safe. But the tier was screwed up big time and so was my car. Not just it was flat, but it was **^&*^* up.  But the next day, it was fixed and things were smooth with my car.

While this was the story of my car tier, I look into my life which is not much different from my car life. The car is something like a family run by its family members (the wheels). Even if one is damaged or punctured, the entire car halts. My life (as of now) is also like this… and me being the punctured.

Married against my parent’s wish and will. Never knew living my wish would cost me the wrath of my parents and my family.

Here is a something straight from my heart… dedicated to my loved family who stood by me whenever I stumbled, but missed them by my side when I needed them the most… 

You taught me to talk

Then why hate for what I spoke

You taught me to walk
Then why hate me for the path I chose

You taught me to be strong
Then why hate me for my strength to decide

You taught me to fight
Then why hate me when I fought for my right

You taught me to love all and hate none
Then why hate me for loving someone

You taught me not to discriminate
Then why am I the discriminated one

You taught me to be contended
Then why hate me for being happy

You taught me to dream big and aim bigger
Then why hate me for living my dream

You taught me to forgive
Then why hate me so much that I am the forgotten

You wish, you dream and then you live your dream…
But not every time everybody lives in your dream

You love, you marry and then you live your love life
But not every time everybody love your life

When wrong is not wrong and right is also not wrong

Life teaches you new lessons... almost everyday. The thumb rule being, when one is right, the other is wrong. You like it or not, you have no other choice but learn these lessons, the hard way, right way or your way.

I wonder if it is necessary that if one is right, the other has to be wrong. Is it possible that both are right, or both are wrong, or neither is right nor wrong. Or the wrong is right and right is wrong or wrong is wrong but right is also not wrong.. Hmmmm

I believe a man is ideally ruled by two organs : Heart and Mind... (And amalgamation of the two is called a human.) There is a constant fight among these two, and its difficult to say who is right and who is wrong.

Although both are important, the heart is always treated like the youngest member at home who is never taken seriously. No matter how smart the youngest one is, he is the youngest. He gets a chance to speak, but isnt heard by any. Basically he is overlooked, overpowered and never taken seriously. And that fist sized ball of meat called as the heart is something like this.

Without being specific, I am sure each one would have had an experience where there was a serious fight between your heart and your mind.

There are certain events, things, people or feelings which make you feel good, light, happy(Courtesy the heart). But is it right? It could be anything… might be the skimpiest dress you spotted and tried which looks stunning on you... Your heart feels good and makes you smile, but your mind over powers and forces you to think. Think if the dress is right or wrong.

It could be that experience of singing your favorite song aloud in a crowded place, or having a loud fight with your friend with lot of animations. Your heart feels good when you do that. But then your mind overpowers and makes you think, think what is right and what is wrong.

It could be getting into the profession you love the most. The job you enjoy. Chasing cops, or thugs might give you a thrill. Your heart feels great when you write about something which made a difference. You feel like a winner when you made a difference. But... your mind overpowers and makes you think, think about right and wrong.

There are so many things which makes your heart beat faster and makes you feel light and like a winner. But you still listen to your mind which gives a winner's look, but loser's feeling.

As I write, I can see flashes of experiences that made my heart light, but even then I has listened to my mind. I know my heart was not wrong, and even my mind wasn’t ...

But there was a battle.

A battle to decide who is right and who is wrong

I wonder if there is a world....

A world where nothing is wrong but right.
A world where your heart wins the battle over your mind
A world where you live for yourself
A where you are just you and nothing but "YOU"

Wish… Really wish there was a world where wrong is not wrong and right is also probably not wrong.....

Had that been the law

As everything is going back in time whether it’s the fashion, education system or yogic healing, I think even the law should go behind time and not forward.

I am an average Indian girl, who is independent, strong minded, career oriented and moreover single at 26. I possess all the qualities a father and a brother expect in their daughter and sister, but not in their spouse.

I can’t say if I am single by choice or by force. I am single by choice because, I never looked out for prospective boyfriends around me when I was at the peak of my youth. And I am single by force because, no guy really dared to propose me or even impress me.

Today, although I have been enrolled in every matrimonial site, I am single. Thanks to my qualification and the field of my choice where I work. Even when someone shows interest, my folks reject because he either fails to match my qualification or my looks.

Coming back to the topic of going back in time, I think child marriage should be made legal because you will marry the man even before he becomes “a man”.

Looks don’t matter, as every child looks cute when young, career is not an option as he is still in school, bank balance is not a criteria as the boy’s father is screened and not the boy and fidelity would be rare, I assume.

Seriously, had the old laws been implemented, I am sure I would have been happily married by now. As I was quite cute and lean when I was a child, not too good in studies, not too strong minded but meek. Even today if I upload my details rewinding 15 years of my age, I am sure to be loaded with 100 times the proposals than today.

Had that been the law, people wouldn’t have sympathized my singleton

Had that been the law, my extra weight wouldn’t have been a problem.

Had that been the law, I wouldn’t have garnered many dreams

Had that been the law, career and money wouldn’t have mattered

Had that been the law…..Had that been the law

Had that been the law…. I would be like you and not like me…:) :) :)

Please Note : For all those people who feel sorry for me that I am single... I would like to say that I feel sorry for them who want to go back in time.... while I choose to move ahead.

You are not single...

You are not single when your marital status says so

You are single when you have 430 virtual friends on facebook and you no real ones around

You are not single when you are sitting alone at home

You are single when you chose to drive away from a happening party, alone at 3 am

You are not single when you are busy at work, with no time for friends

You are single when you have time, but no friends to work with

You are not single when everybody is wrong and you blame them

You are single when everybody is wrong but you blame yourself

You are not single when you don’t have a shoulder to cry

You are single when you have shoulders and tears, but no reason to cry

You are not single when nobody understands you

You are single when you don’t understand yourself

You are not single when you walk alone

You are single when you walk in crowd… Alone

You are not single when your marital status says so

You are single when you have 430 virtual friends on facebook and you no real ones around.

Last nail on the coffin

I ended my career as a crime reporter... ended my dream and probably dreaming too!!!

Looking back from where I am today, I remember cherishing this dream of becoming a crime reporter, since I understood the word "journalism". I was tooo too too lucky to become a crime reporter early in my career itself. The adrenalin rush was higher as some people demanded me to prove my ability. Being completely modest and humble I can still say I was very good at my job.

I am sure, people who were my colleagues, my seniors and my competitors will surely agree that I was good and was a threat to my competitors too. I dedicated my three years six months being a crime reporter and I swear I had sacrificed a lot of my happiness for this dream and never regretted either. Being a movie buff since school, I don't remember watching one single movie without being troubled by a call during these days. Was seriously part of theater and play, but couldn't get time to watch one. Love my family and spending time with them, but was always missing from those special moments. Despite my physical presence, my mind was away at work.

On March 22, 2011, I finally decided to put down my papers and end this career (read dream) and went on a break... to Goa. I returned in a week and the world was certainly different... break ke baad.

On March 27 when I entered my office to finally hit that last nail on the coffin, I realised I was buried along with my career here.

As I opened the attendance register book at the reception, I spotted a scratch on my name and the receptionist was quick to guide me to the visitor's book and asked me to enter my name, time and the purpose for my visit to this office. The message was strong and clear. As I finished, she said please be seated and after making a call to the HR department, she asked one of the security guards to accompany me inside the office. (These were the same people who used to salute and wish me every time I entered the office. ) As i gave a shocked look with a broad smile trying to hide that piercing pain, I heard the receptionist say... sorry... rules are rules.

I was not ready for this... after dedicating so much for this career and that too when i still had my id card in my possession.

I went straight to my table after the formalities at the HR department and began picking up the pieces of my assets on the table. I was feeling better as many of my seniors I really respect asked me to stay back, stating i was really good at what i did. If not in the same company atleast in the profession. As my tears were slowly being caressed by my smile, the HR executive approached me again and confirmed if i had taken my papers. As i answered in positive, she said, "Dont mind... but you are not supposed to roam around inside the office. Rules you see...Please leave as soon as possible."

I really never wanted to bury this career for life.. But I did for some unexplainable and unavoidable reasons. But with this kind of a farewell, I still wonder if I had wasted my four years or feeling better that I was atleast out unlike many others.

I learnt it the hard way... a really hard way.

But still dreams should be lived... and not buried as I did!!!

Money can buy hapiness!!!

We are told that money cant buy happiness!!! But all I say is just try it, you might end up buying that too.

If you ask me, I would say today I did spend Rs 500 or rather should I say gave away Rs 500 and feeling richer than ever.

Actually a youth had met me at my office a couple of days back, requesting our health reporter to publish an appeal seeking monetary help for his younger brother's surgery. I did find them genuine because i think that a 14 year old cant fake the expression of pain and his face needed no explanation. But today the guardian came again and said that he had just Rs 500 and needed 1500 to get the scanning done. He requested me to ask my colleagues and arrange for the money. First thing

what came to my mind is either these people might give pittance like 5 or 10 rs, or they might talk ill saying that these people are not real.

I dint think twice, just took a 500 rupee note from my wallet and gave it to him. He gave me a blank expression and dint know how to react. I said this is all i can do and he left quite contended.

Frankly speaking, i am not the generous kind and actually keep calculating the money i have spent and if i think i have overspent, then will ensure to make up for that by sacrificing other things. But today, i just dint think twice after giving the money.

I am not writing this to scream how great i am, or all that crap but to scream out to you that its really a great feeling : a feeling of giving ... And I think my money did buy me happiness today.